Tonbridge · online by video, with the Hove room for occasional sessions
Couples therapy and relationship counselling for Tonbridge
For couples in Tonbridge and Hildenborough who still run the household well but have stopped really talking, relationship counselling with me happens on a secure video link. You can come together, or one of you can start alone while the other decides. A 90-minute session leaves each of you time to finish a thought.
The practical facts for Tonbridge
- Where sessions happen
- A private room at Intergen House, 65-67 Western Road, Hove BN3 2JQ, or secure video.
- From Tonbridge by car
- About 70 minutes with clear roads (43.7 miles); longer at busy times.
- Free NHS talking therapy (for one of you)
- NHS Talking Therapies Kent and Medway, 0333 091 0414
- Fees
- £80 for 60 minutes, £100 for 90, £120 for 120. The first 15-minute call is free.
- Registration
- BACP registered member, no. 109340 (check the register); UKCP student member in advanced psychotherapy training.
When the school years set the household's pace
In a grammar-school town, family life can arrange itself around the children's education for the best part of a decade.
One of you does the morning drop-off at The Judd School or Weald of Kent Grammar School, the other covers clubs and collections, and evenings disappear into homework and lifts. Choices about schooling can stir up more than either of you expected. If one of you went somewhere like Tonbridge School and the other didn't, a decision about a child can quickly turn into an argument about money and fairness, and about how each of you was brought up. Then the timetable stops. The youngest leaves for university, or starts at NKC Tonbridge College and gets there alone, and two people who worked well as parents can find little to say across the kitchen table in Barden Park or Higham Wood. None of this means the relationship has failed, though it can show you when the two of you stopped checking in with each other.
How sessions with the two of you work
At the start, each of you has time to say, without interruption, what has been going on and what you want to change. I won't take sides or keep a tally. I'm listening for the circuit you both get stuck in: one of you raises something, the other goes quiet or gets defensive, and the same row about the school forms or the bank balance finishes where it always does. When you can both see that circuit, you can begin to break into it, and a good part of each session goes on trying that out slowly, with me keeping the temperature low. You might want to recover what you had, or to find out whether you still want the same future. Or you may be hoping to separate without damaging the co-parenting that carries on for years afterwards. Any of those is a sound reason to book. If your partner refuses to come, you can still begin by yourself, and we look at your part in the pattern and what you need. Couples of any make-up are welcome. If either partner is scared of the other, joint sessions aren't safe, and the part of this page headed If you are afraid of your partner sets out where to go first.
Where a Tonbridge relationship can come unstuck
Arguing over the school choice
With grammar schools and an independent boys' school in town, parents can disagree sharply about where a child should go, and the argument is rarely only about schools.
When the last child leaves
Once the house in Cage Green or Trench Wood falls quiet and the lifts end, two people who were busy co-parents have to work out who they are as a couple.
Caring for a parent as well
Hospital trips to Pembury and a parent who needs more each month can leave one partner feeling second in line. Imago's Kent Carers Support is the West Kent service for adult carers.
Heading opposite ways each morning
One of you takes the London line from Tonbridge, the other heads towards Ashford or Redhill, and by evening there is little left over. Sessions can start once you're both home.
If you are afraid of your partner
Couples counselling is not safe or suitable where one partner is afraid of the other. You can book the free call on your own. What you tell me on your own is not passed to your partner without your agreement, except where someone's safety is at serious risk; I explain those limits on the free call. In your message, tell me the safest way and time to contact you. Video sessions from a shared home are not private if you could be overheard or your devices are checked. If you are in immediate danger, call 999.
If there is violence, threats or controlling behaviour, the National Domestic Abuse Helpline is free, day or night, on 0808 2000 247. The Men's Advice Line is on 0808 801 0327. If you are worried about your own behaviour towards a partner, the Respect Phoneline is on 0808 802 4040 (Monday to Friday, 10am to 5pm).
Free and low-cost support for Tonbridge
If either of you wants support alone, West Kent Mind runs an affordable counselling service for adults, in person in Sevenoaks or online, and either of you could contact Live Well Kent and Medway too. Where caring for a relative adds to the strain, Imago runs Kent Carers Support in West Kent. Couples sessions with me can carry on while you use any of these.
- Free NHS talking therapy (for one of you)NHS Talking Therapies Kent and Medway0333 091 0414Free NHS talking therapy for anxiety, low mood and related difficulties. You can refer yourself, with no GP referral needed.
- If drinking or drug use is part of itWest Kent community drug and alcohol service (Change, Grow, Live)0330 128 1113Run by Change Grow Live (CGL). Free and confidential.
- Local organisationKenward Trust - Friends, Family and Loved Ones Support
- Local organisationWest Kent Mind Affordable Counselling
Private counselling with me can run alongside any of these; you do not have to choose one or the other.
If you need urgent help now
If you need help right now, please don't wait for a session.
Locally, the Release the Pressure Helpline - Kent is on 0800 107 0160. Local drop-in crisis support: Kent and Medway Safe Havens (Mental Health Matters) (check opening times before you go).
If you, or someone you live with, drink heavily every day, or take drugs such as benzodiazepines or GHB daily, do not stop suddenly without medical advice. Withdrawal can cause seizures and can be dangerous. Your GP or the local drug and alcohol service can arrange medically assisted withdrawal. Call 999 or go to A&E if someone in withdrawal is shaking visibly, unusually restless or agitated, confused, seeing or hearing things that are not there, or has a fit. For milder symptoms, such as a slight tremor or sweating, contact your GP or NHS 111 the same day (NHS guidance). Counselling works alongside medical support, not instead of it.
What people in Tonbridge ask before starting
Can we get couples counselling on the NHS from Tonbridge?
To find out what the NHS has for couples locally, either of you can phone 0333 091 0414, the self-referral line of NHS Talking Therapies Kent and Medway, about anxiety or low mood, and ask whether it offers anything for couples. West Kent Mind's affordable counselling is offered to adults, so each of you could use it separately.
We live in Tonbridge but work in different places. How would sessions work?
Over secure video, most weeks. You can share one screen at home in the evening, or each join from a private room if one of you is staying away. With Hove a 70-minute drive from Tonbridge, seeing me in person works best as an occasional longer session booked in advance.
Our youngest has just left home and we feel like strangers. Is that a reason for couples counselling?
Yes. Once years of school runs around Tonbridge stop, the gap they leave can show how much of your relationship ran through the children. Together we explore what each of you has been missing, what you want from here, and how to talk about it without it turning into blame. You don't need to be in crisis to book.
How soon could I start relationship counselling from Tonbridge if my partner is unsure?
You don't have to wait for your partner. Book the free 15-minute call for yourself and I'll tell you plainly how soon a first session could happen. Sessions alone focus on your half of the pattern and on what you need. If your partner joins later, we agree together how to make that fair, so they don't feel they've walked into a case already built against them.
How much do sessions cost, and is the first call free?
Sessions are £80 for 60 minutes, £100 for 90 minutes and £120 for 120 minutes, the same in person in Hove or by video. The first 15-minute call is free, with no obligation to book. There is no NHS referral needed to see me privately.
Make room for a different conversation
When you feel ready, a short conversation is the easiest way to see whether we are a good fit. There is no obligation.